Internal Dialogue
by jareya
Summary: A quick little journey through Kate's mind in the small moments after the big question. Spoilers for 'Watershed' (5x24).


**A/N:** So I just had to throw my hat in the 'post-Watershed' ring. This is a very short one-shot. I should probably say here that while I know many moments in 'Watershed' can be interpreted in many different ways, I believe that Beckett chose to remain at the 12th during the interrogation scene; she realized it was her 'home' and that she wasn't ready to leave it yet. Wishful thinking? Maybe! (And honestly, part of me really wants her to go to DC, try out the new job, and realize very quickly that it's not for her – and may even have been arranged by the evil Bracken. But, I digress….) Anyway, after the first paragraph, most of this piece is just a stream of thoughts, all running through Kate's mind.

**Disclaimer: **Do I even need to say it? The magical ability to make hordes of people fall so deeply in love (with fictional characters) that they are wishing away hot summer days and counting down the minutes till September… nope, can't say I've got that. I've got nothing but my embarrassingly frequent and detailed Caskett-dreams.

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She looks down at him, at the ring clenched between his fingers and thumb. She looks up at his face, and the expression in his eyes tugs fiercely at her heart. There is something so vulnerable in those blue depths – this is her Castle laid bare… unprotected, exposed. Her heart falters for a split-second; and she almost forgets to breathe. In that miniscule moment, a dizzying rush of thoughts rampages through her mind at the speed of sound, each new one overlapping the last. She remains still and seated, outwardly composed, but inwardly in complete disarray:

Wha-?

Did he just say what I think he said?

_Ohmygodohmygodohmygodohmygodohmygodohmygodohmygod. _

We _just_ had an epic fight.

I could have sworn he was just about to break up with me.

I was sitting here trying to figure out how to let him go in a dignified manner, without blubbering like a baby.

But oh my gosh, he actually just proposed!

But – why now? Why is he asking now? Is this just because he doesn't want me to leave for DC?

No, he said 'whatever you decide'. He isn't asking me to choose. He wouldn't. This is for real.

He went down on one knee, said my full name and everything.

Oh my gosh, I am freaking out.

I wonder if he talked to my dad first. Oh my god, if he did and Dad didn't warn me, didn't even give me a tiny little hint….

He probably didn't talk to my dad. I mean, he probably wouldn't be asking at all right now if we hadn't had that fight. He must have had some kind of post-fight epiphany, or something.

Wait – that's bad, isn't it? I mean… a proposal that comes right after a misunderstanding? Proposals are supposed to come after romantic dinners, or fantastic sex, or moonlit gondola rides in Venice, right? But then again, we never do anything the conventional way, so maybe this makes sense. In a twisted way.

Oh wow, I love the ring! It's gorgeous. I want to put it on and never take it off.

Have you lost your mind, Beckett?! The ring is so not the issue right now.

But it is a gorgeous ring… simple, elegant… just what I would have picked out for myself. Castle always knows exactly what I like. Lanie is going to flip when she sees it.

Enough with the ring! Focus, Kate….

Oh my gosh, he just proposed! At our swings. In broad daylight. With… kids and… random bystanders walking around and… wow.

This is so not the way I pictured this happening – not that I ever pictured this happening….

But it's actually kinda perfect. The perfect place. The perfect words – simple, heartfelt. He's laying it all on the line, even though he thinks I'm probably leaving him to take a job I didn't even tell him about. Maybe not the perfect time, but… it actually is kinda cool that I totally didn't see it coming.

Wait – did he seriously just propose?

If this is a dream, it's the freakiest dream I've had in a long time.

I wish I could talk to my mom. This is huge.

Oh my god, but maybe he's just asking because he thinks this is what I want.

Who am I kidding? It is what I want. If he has the balls to ask, then I should at least have the balls to admit to myself that I want to be his wife someday. _I do._

I know there are no guarantees, and I know I have all these fears that what we have could suddenly end, but deep down I know this is real. I know it didn't work out in his previous marriages, but we're different.

I mean, this is _us_. Castle and Beckett, Kate and Rick, sittin' in a tree… okay, stop it Kate, don't be ridiculous.

The point is – we make each other happy. We fit. We're equals, partners in every sense of the word. In a weird way, we balance each other out.

I can't imagine my life without him. And it's been that way for the longest time.

He's always believed in me. His family totally accepts me, even after everything that's happened. They're almost like family to me already.

He's my biggest supporter, but he tells me the truth, even when it's hard to hear. He understands my need for independence; he lets me have my space when I need it. He never wants me to be someone I'm not.

He waited for me to be ready. He's sweet, and kind, and loving, and trustworthy. And he's cute even when he's annoying – and sort of adorable even when he's infuriating. He gives the best hugs – and kisses – the best everything. And he loves me. Most of all, I know he loves me.

He sure as hell isn't perfect, but I'm going to break out the old cliché – he's perfect for me.

It's what I've always wanted, what I was never really sure I could have. I honestly couldn't ask for more.

I want to be there for him, always, and I know he'll always be there for me – and we don't have to be married to have that.

But – I do want the commitment. I want to stand in front of our family and friends and make the promises that would bind us together for life.

But he has to want it too.

Come on now, Kate – obviously he wants it. I mean, he wouldn't have asked if he didn't, right? He's down on knee asking me to marry him, and I know he would never do that lightly. Not this time; not with me. This means he really wants this – to be married to me.

But we have a lot to work out. We're not ready for this kind of commitment. We need to talk. We really need to talk.

I know what this proposal means though. He's saying that he wants me just the way I am – and I know he means it – his eyes always tell the whole story. God, I love his eyes.

I want my children to have those eyes.

One step at a time, Beckett. You're not even sure if you want kids. And Lord knows he might not at this point in his life. And even if you both do, how do you know you can have kids? Don't get ahead of yourself.

Come on, the man I love just proposed to me… I might be getting married soon (wow). I'm young and healthy. Well, relatively young – and healthy. Castle is definitely not too old to be a father again. And I already know he's an awesome dad. It's only natural to think about kids – isn't that the natural next step?

Maybe not. Not in my line of work. Not after what we went through after my mom was killed. It's bad enough that Castle has almost left Alexis fatherless – more than once – since he became my partner.

But again, you're getting ahead of yourself... you can talk about kids later. Right now you have to decide if you're ready for marriage. Especially since you won't be doing this more than once.

Wow, I almost forgot. I need to tell him that I've decided to stay in New York.

But- if we get engaged, doesn't that mean we can't be partners anymore?

I guess we'll cross that bridge when we get to it. I mean, I'd miss him like crazy, but I'd live…. .

But maybe he wouldn't even have to leave the precinct… fat chance, seems like a certain someone's 'irrational optimism' is rubbing off on me already.

That 'certain someone' looks so deadly serious right now though. Maybe he's secretly terrified of getting married again. I mean, it's not like it's worked out great for him in the past.

He's still down on one knee.

He looks… nervous… he probably thinks I'm going to say 'no'.

I don't know what the hell I'm going to say. _Heeelllppp!_

I really don't want to hurt him.

But I really don't think we're ready.

We still aren't completely open with each other. I mean, it turns out he wants the very same thing I do from our relationship, but we've been together a year and we've never even talked about it! That can't be right.

We still keep secrets from each other. Especially me. Lord knows _I_ still keep secrets... We need to be more open and honest with each other, or we don't stand a chance.

Yep, we're definitely not ready. Bummer.

If we aren't ready now, though… hmm. We've been together a year, and in our hearts I know we've been together even longer. Will we ever be ready?

God, I love this man.

First we need to talk. Then we could get counseling, learn to communicate better… and then we can get engaged.

But… wait, we could get engaged and then get counseling, right? Doesn't really matter what comes first… does it?

Okay, I need to say something now. I can't just leave him there waiting. Time to speak now – or forever hold my peace. Crap, now I'm thinking in 'Weddingish'. Thanks a lot, Castle.

Say something, Kate. Say something… but don't break his heart – or your own.

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**A/N:** This little experiment is a milestone of sorts for me, because it's the 20th fic I've posted here at ; and my very first _Castle_ fic (so please be kind!) I read **loads** of _Castle_ fanfiction, but I haven't written any thus far, and the main reason for that is that I honestly think the _Castle_ fandom has some of the **best** writers out there, who just keep churning out the most **amazing** stories… I honestly have always felt like I wouldn't be able to contribute anything meaningful. But this one just had to come out of me. Please review – I would **love** to know what you think.

**PS:** Thanks to the Anon who complained about the italics - hopefully it's easier to read now.


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